Panic! At The Toilet

Trigger Warning: This is a post about spotting/miscarriage scare. There is a happy ending. 

Today was a really hard day so far and it's not even 1:00. This morning I went to the restroom and noticed some spotting when I wiped. I wiped again and again and there was still color to that TP each time. 

I really panicked. 

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my phone has been busted for a few days now and it won't charge. Well, it sometimes charges if I plug it in all night. This morning it was at about 32% battery after dying the night before. But I didn't know that as I wasn't able to turn my phone on until much later in the day. 

If my phone was working a panicked phone call to the husband (and maybe even several others) would have ensued. 

I handled myself about the best I could that morning considering I still had to get Nolan ready for daycare and I was feeling nauseated and Nolan was being himself... he wasn't being bad but he was being a curious little stinker. I feel like I snapped on him as I heard him call my name from the bathroom during those panicked wipes. "Nolan could you just be NORMAL today?" 

Why did I say that? He was being normal. I'm going to have to apologize to him after work because I think I made him either sad or scared which makes me feel bad.

Thank goodness he's a toddler and he knows how much I love him.

So I drop him off at daycare and tell my daycare provider what's going on. She knew I was pg already (she's pg too!) and she gave me a hug while I let a few tears escape. Definitely not the first tears of the day, but this was the first release of tears if that makes sense.

I hurry into work, probably 5-10 minutes early because I needed to get on my computer texting app that I downloaded so I could tell Brian what was going on. Of course my computer was slower than ever. 

As my computer gets online I start sending messages, emails, texts, to the few people who know I'm pregnant and understand why I'm worried. Brian doesn't reply for a while. 

I send a message to my midwife, it basically asked what I should do. They called me very shortly after I sent the message and I quickly found a room that I could talk to her. She asked me what color the spotting was (pink/brown), if it happened more than once today (yes), and if I felt any cramping (no). She said that she talked to the ultrasound techs and they could get me in at 10:45 (it was just before 9:00 when this call was made). I said that I'd take the appointment while I basically broke down. You know, when you blink and like 6 tears come out of each eye? Yeah, that's what happened. 

I tried to calm myself down. Wiped away the tears, took a few breaths. Tried to reassure myself it could have had something to do with a BD a few nights ago, in fact that had to be it. I've been feeling nauseated and crappy for about 2 weeks now.

I finally leave for the doc. As I'm driving I keep flipping through the radio anxiously. I heard "Pour Some Sugar On Me" thinking that this is going to be the song that I remember as the one that I listened to OTW to "The Appointment 2.0" (Gotye's, Somebody that I Used to Know was The Appointment 1.0 song)

Well, I'm sitting in the lobby waiting for my name to be called. Phone is down to the teens in battery percentage. At least The Price is Right was on. The contestant got the price right and got $500 before doing the game. 

The tech calls my name. I could see on her face a look of pity. It was fleeting but definitely recognizable. Perhaps she noticed the red nose and eyes. We get back into the room, we talk about the spotting and she seems aware that this could potentially be a sad appointment. I get changed and she does the T/V ultrasound and I have a monitor in eyesight to watch. 

First words out of her mouth are that she sees a heartbeat. HUGE relief. Many tears. We look at our baby, who has a heartbeat of 161 BPM which she calls a "really nice heartbeat." 

We look at the yolk sac, the measurement, she points out the umbilical cord. I'm measuring right on time too! 8W1D So my EDD isn't going to change as far as I know. January 25th!

She prints out a few pictures for me and then I go into the lobby again to wait for my midwife appointment.

My midwife is awesome - I see several actually as there are 4 in the practice. One of the things I like about them is that I'll see them all throughout my pregnancy and I know that I'll know whoever is delivering my baby. If I get the same one as last time though, that would rock as she was the best. Alice - in case you were wondering. 

But I met with Dawn today. 

She reiterated what the U/S tech told me. I have subchorionic bleeding (or what I am more familiar with "subchorionic hemorrhaging". The U/S tech told me that the one closest to the cervix appeared to be clotting up which is a good thing. I have another one higher up in my ute too, but she didn't think that would be the cause of the bleeding. 

Dawn said that I don't need to worry much about these since everything else looked fine. I'm still pretty much sobbing. She hands me a few tissues which I bring to my eyes saying "I just didn't want to do that all again" and my tears were that of relief but possible PTSD. 

Since the call for my ultrasound today, I was wiping "clean" which is a huge relief. After discussing it with my midwife, I'm going to put myself on pelvic rest for at least a week. 

Since I did have a good appointment and everything looks good, I do feel bad because Brian wasn't able to make it to the appointment this morning. We did have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning that he could have attended but I think I needed to be reassured today instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. 

Also, after all of this, I have a headache and nausea. It's been a day... Where's the tylenol?