Panic! At The Toilet

Trigger Warning: This is a post about spotting/miscarriage scare. There is a happy ending. 

Today was a really hard day so far and it's not even 1:00. This morning I went to the restroom and noticed some spotting when I wiped. I wiped again and again and there was still color to that TP each time. 

I really panicked. 

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) my phone has been busted for a few days now and it won't charge. Well, it sometimes charges if I plug it in all night. This morning it was at about 32% battery after dying the night before. But I didn't know that as I wasn't able to turn my phone on until much later in the day. 

If my phone was working a panicked phone call to the husband (and maybe even several others) would have ensued. 

I handled myself about the best I could that morning considering I still had to get Nolan ready for daycare and I was feeling nauseated and Nolan was being himself... he wasn't being bad but he was being a curious little stinker. I feel like I snapped on him as I heard him call my name from the bathroom during those panicked wipes. "Nolan could you just be NORMAL today?" 

Why did I say that? He was being normal. I'm going to have to apologize to him after work because I think I made him either sad or scared which makes me feel bad.

Thank goodness he's a toddler and he knows how much I love him.

So I drop him off at daycare and tell my daycare provider what's going on. She knew I was pg already (she's pg too!) and she gave me a hug while I let a few tears escape. Definitely not the first tears of the day, but this was the first release of tears if that makes sense.

I hurry into work, probably 5-10 minutes early because I needed to get on my computer texting app that I downloaded so I could tell Brian what was going on. Of course my computer was slower than ever. 

As my computer gets online I start sending messages, emails, texts, to the few people who know I'm pregnant and understand why I'm worried. Brian doesn't reply for a while. 

I send a message to my midwife, it basically asked what I should do. They called me very shortly after I sent the message and I quickly found a room that I could talk to her. She asked me what color the spotting was (pink/brown), if it happened more than once today (yes), and if I felt any cramping (no). She said that she talked to the ultrasound techs and they could get me in at 10:45 (it was just before 9:00 when this call was made). I said that I'd take the appointment while I basically broke down. You know, when you blink and like 6 tears come out of each eye? Yeah, that's what happened. 

I tried to calm myself down. Wiped away the tears, took a few breaths. Tried to reassure myself it could have had something to do with a BD a few nights ago, in fact that had to be it. I've been feeling nauseated and crappy for about 2 weeks now.

I finally leave for the doc. As I'm driving I keep flipping through the radio anxiously. I heard "Pour Some Sugar On Me" thinking that this is going to be the song that I remember as the one that I listened to OTW to "The Appointment 2.0" (Gotye's, Somebody that I Used to Know was The Appointment 1.0 song)

Well, I'm sitting in the lobby waiting for my name to be called. Phone is down to the teens in battery percentage. At least The Price is Right was on. The contestant got the price right and got $500 before doing the game. 

The tech calls my name. I could see on her face a look of pity. It was fleeting but definitely recognizable. Perhaps she noticed the red nose and eyes. We get back into the room, we talk about the spotting and she seems aware that this could potentially be a sad appointment. I get changed and she does the T/V ultrasound and I have a monitor in eyesight to watch. 

First words out of her mouth are that she sees a heartbeat. HUGE relief. Many tears. We look at our baby, who has a heartbeat of 161 BPM which she calls a "really nice heartbeat." 

We look at the yolk sac, the measurement, she points out the umbilical cord. I'm measuring right on time too! 8W1D So my EDD isn't going to change as far as I know. January 25th!

She prints out a few pictures for me and then I go into the lobby again to wait for my midwife appointment.

My midwife is awesome - I see several actually as there are 4 in the practice. One of the things I like about them is that I'll see them all throughout my pregnancy and I know that I'll know whoever is delivering my baby. If I get the same one as last time though, that would rock as she was the best. Alice - in case you were wondering. 

But I met with Dawn today. 

She reiterated what the U/S tech told me. I have subchorionic bleeding (or what I am more familiar with "subchorionic hemorrhaging". The U/S tech told me that the one closest to the cervix appeared to be clotting up which is a good thing. I have another one higher up in my ute too, but she didn't think that would be the cause of the bleeding. 

Dawn said that I don't need to worry much about these since everything else looked fine. I'm still pretty much sobbing. She hands me a few tissues which I bring to my eyes saying "I just didn't want to do that all again" and my tears were that of relief but possible PTSD. 

Since the call for my ultrasound today, I was wiping "clean" which is a huge relief. After discussing it with my midwife, I'm going to put myself on pelvic rest for at least a week. 

Since I did have a good appointment and everything looks good, I do feel bad because Brian wasn't able to make it to the appointment this morning. We did have an appointment scheduled for tomorrow morning that he could have attended but I think I needed to be reassured today instead of waiting until tomorrow morning. 

Also, after all of this, I have a headache and nausea. It's been a day... Where's the tylenol?

This is what I'm craving

All I want are carby, crunchy things...

My snack drawer was empty and needed replenishment.

I ate about half the bag of gardetos and I'm effing hungry already. GAH.

6 Weeks and some change

I don't really know what to think about being pregnant again sometimes. I am so excited one minute but then it's almost like I forget about it... but only fleeting. It's just so different than being pregnant with Nolan.

First of all, the worry seems to be far less. I know now that I can produce a healthy child as evidenced by my almost 2 year old running around screaming and being silly. I don't find myself worrying over every little twinge (although there still is some worry, believe it). I don't google too much about miscarriages...

Secondly, the time is going much faster. Even though it's been less than 3 weeks that I've found out that I'm pregnant - it doesn't feel like the days have drug on. Weirdly though, I do feel like I've been pregnant far longer... probably because technically I'm around 6 weeks now.

What I really enjoy so far is when I take an HPT I see that test line come up fast! Like, as soon as the stick gets wet it's there, that little pink line... which by this time has become far darker than the control line. Maybe even twice as dark! That's a comforting sign. I didn't take the progression pictures of my wondfo HPTs because... well I wasn't as happy with them in the beginning. When I thought that the lines were getting lighter and that I was having a chemical pregnancy I was super bummed out. Eventually I just threw them away.

Now I keep one or two used tests in my drawer (a FRER with the nice urine cap so my stuff doesn't get all duurrrty).

I have 15 days until my ultrasound. I'm so excited and yet right now as I type I'm feeling a little nervous.

Although I've been reassured by some light symptoms including exhaustion and food aversions. I seem to be craving sweet things which the old wives would say that means I'm having a girl which would be SO exciting!

I kind of hope that I'm having a girl to be honest. I don't know... I just love the cute dresses and I want to be able to play with my girl's hair...

If I find out that we're having a boy, I will be very happy too! I LOVE Nolan so much, that I know that the sex of the baby won't REALLY matter in the long run. Just as a woman, I kind of hope for those little dresses and cute head bows.

I'm looking forward to being able to use my doppler again for that much needed PgAL reassurance. I probably won't dig that thing out for a while though. At least 9 weeks before I try I think...

After all is over with this pregnancy, assuming everything goes well and baby is healthy, I'm planning on getting rid of the doppler.. maybe donating it to a PgAL'er? Or more realistically, I might sell it on ebay for like $20.

LOOK HOW PREGNANT I AM!

5w2d

It's pretty unbelievable that I'm pregnant again.

As a follow up from last week, I got my 2nd beta test back and my numbers were 214 which means that I've more than doubled in that time.

Furthermore, I took another FRER and the test line was darker than the control line.

These are all good things!

A lot of my family now know...

Mom and Christian:
I facetime'd my brother on my ipad when I arrived at my mom's place on Friday night. I thought it would be neat to have them both included in a reveal. I had Nolan wearing his big brother shirt:

Christian and I didn't immediately connect on facetime, but he called back right as my mom was coming home from special olympics. She walked in the door and I answered Christian's facetime call. As my mom was distracted as she was putting away some of her things I pointed out Nolan's shirt to Christian and he started getting excited and saying congrats and all. I Shhhhhhh'd him up and told him Mom doesn't know yet. Then when my mom got on the phone to say hi to C I asked her "what do you think of Nolan's shirt?"

It was really cool to be able to involve my bro in the reveal since he lives so far away!

Sarah & Rachael:
Ok, I kind of feel lame but this is how I told them...
I sent them this picture of Nolan wearing the shirt:

With the caption:  "Hey guys, what do you think of Nolan's new shirt???"

I immediately got a text from Rachael asking if it was true! And then Sarah who hadn't seen the email yet was excited and was like "ummm I guess I need to check my email!"

So it's been an exciting few weeks.

I have an ultrasound booked in June, hopefully that shows some excellent growth and a strong heartbeat!!! I don't meet with my midwife until 12 weeks so it'll be a while...

Beta Testing

Over the weekend when I thought I was having a chemical pregnancy (knock on wood, I hope by thinking I'm out of the woods doesn't jinx anything) I emailed my midwife and asked that she order labs to be taken to confirm a rise or fall in HCG levels.

On Monday my HCG was 75. Today I just got my blood drawn so I'm hoping for a call this afternoon saying that they're at least 150. Fingers crossed! If so, then this is the start on a road to a healthy pregnancy. 

After getting my 2nd draw results back I'll be able to schedule my first appointment/ultrasound to see the little pipsqueak. 

For the most part though, I don't feel pregnant. I do occasionally feel little twanges of sensation in the ute region. Not really painful, but sometimes a sharp feeling here or there. Probably something that if I didn't know I was pregnant I would hardly even notice. I have no morning sickness to speak of. In fact, my only symptom might be feeling sleepier than normal which could be attributed to the fact that my almost 2 year old is SCREAMING in the MOTN for no damn reason. 

Hence "Never Sleeping Again"

Anyways... I always think it's kind of fun to make guesses early in pregnancy and compare them to what really happens. So far, my only prediction is that we're having a girl - which is purely a gut prediction as I'm really not feeling any different than when I was pregnant with Nolan. 

So pretty much I'm just really excited to take the next steps in this pregnancy, including getting another nursery ready. But I have one big question...

Will I find out the sex of the baby? I kind of think it would be fun to wait to find out. I can't put my finger on why. Brian really wants to find out at the 20 week u/s so much so that he's willing to know and keep it a secret from me.

As if.

I guess, part of me knows this is my last go around (assuming everything goes well) and it would be fun to wait a little longer to find out the sex. 

However, if I cave and decide to find out at 20 weeks we could coordinate things a little better.  

This ought to be a fun roller coaster ride until that ultra sound comes! 

I'm sleepy. But I'm at work. So I can't sleep. 

Welcome!

Sup?

Yeah, I'm a blogger who tries to maintain multiple blogs at once. What am I thinking? I guess that they're all part of my story and not everyone is invited to share in the story all at once.

Well, the reason for secrecy in this blog is that I'M PREGNANT! Holy eff... I'm going to go crazy here if I don't get to blog about it.

See here's the thing... it's summer at my job working in a University. I work events so typically the summer is beyond dead. I normally get to take advantage of this by working on some personal projects here and there but a lot of the time, I'm straight up bored.

So here goes nothing....

My BFP Story!

I don't know how to describe how I felt this cycle. At moments I was hopeful, others I was just down in the dumps. Overwhelmingly I thought that I was "out" this cycle. But I knew as far as timing goes, I hit the nail on the head (as it were).

Anyways, I knew we had a shot. Since I was loosely practicing temping and thought I caught a temp rise (much earlier than expected BTW) and as far as "timing" was concerned, well, it was covered.

But I tested early... 9DPO. BFN. 10DPO. BFN. 11DPO... Holy shit is that a line? Like... wait, am I nuts? Is that a line? hmmmm ohhhhkayyyy maybe? Is this line eye? I mean, this was a squinter.

To the non TTC trained eye, you really don't see anything. But if you're skilled in the "Stare-at-an-HPT-until-it-turns-positive" like I am... well you can totally see it. That shadowy figure that showed up within the timeframe. 

So here's what went down. 

I took the test with FMU and basically freaked out internally while I thought to myself what that shadowy line might mean. Of course, optimistic me says BFP! Pessimistic me says evap or false positive. 

So what do I do? 

Well, Brian was about ready to leave. He dropped Nolan off in the bathroom where I stood having just "received" this news from a little 5mm stick not knowing what to do with it. Wait, I knew what to do. Don't tell Brian! He's going to love it when he comes home and sees Nolan in the Big Brother shirt I bought him months ago (sized 4T so I knew we'd get some use out of it if things didn't happen right away). 

Brian leaves Nolan in the bathroom with me, we kiss good bye as he goes to work and I continue getting ready. As Brian walks downstairs I hear him open the door to the garage and the person that took over my body said, "Hey can you come back up here, I need you to look at something!"

The words were out of my mouth before I realized I said them. Dammit. Is it too late to take it back and send him to work? He was already coming up the stairs. If I tell him to leave he'll know something's up. Do I even want him to leave? Shouldn't I share this wonderful world of TTC/staring at HPTs?

He comes in the room and I go, "Am I psycho or is there another line here?"

To my surprise he saw it too! Maybe he had line eye?? We had line eye? That can't be right...

So yeah... I pretty much didn't know what to think at that point.

Brian and I have to part ways instantly after our brief discussion of the is there/isn't there a line here viewing party. So I hardly felt like I got to celebrate it with him.

But I get to celebrate it with Nolan. 

As far as I'm concerned at this point, "a line is a line" and this is worth celebrating. I lifted Nolan up in the air and gave him a bunch of kisses.

After getting ready we went downstairs to the kitchen where I sang, "You're going to be a big brother, HEY! You're going to be a big brother, HEY!" a song which he seemed to LOVE btw because it meant I was dancing with him and throwing him in the air and swinging him around.

Of course I snapped a picture of the HPT (as seen above) and submitted it to a website called CountdownToPregnancy.com. There is a gallery there where people can vote on HPT images and I marked mine as "unsure" and just let the people have at it. Last I checked I believe over 70% called it positive!

At work I planned on dehydrating myself starting at 2:00 so that I could go home and take a FRER HPT to confirm. It worked! I had me a VERY dark 2nd line there.

The next day though (12 DPO)... 

I went to Target and bought 2 more boxes of 3 FRERs in each box, so 6 total. In the afternoon, after a somewhat dry day as far as not drinking enough water, I took another HPT. 

Wah wahhhhh.

The line was significantly lighter. Like almost squintery again. I couldn't chalk it up to it not being FMU because it was still pretty concentrated stuff. It should have at least showed a little bit of an increase right? 

Nope, it was so light.

I actually got really upset with Brian and really sad in general. Heartbreakingly sad. Since I took the HPT in the afternoon, I knew I only had to wait a few hours until nighttime and then I could take another HPT in the morning and see something a little darker.

I really wanted a beer at this point. 

So the next day (13 DPO for those keeping track) I took another test with FMU. Fuck. The line was light again. 

Honestly at this point I felt like I was dealing with a chemical pregnancy. I was heartbroken. But I told Brian I needed to get out of the house and we did. We went to the garden in town and then to Earl May to look at trees for our back yard. Then we went to eat for dinner. With a 2.5 hour nap midday. Not too shabby for this girl.

14 DPO - Today. 

I took an HPT this morning and THANK GOODNESS a line that was significantly darker than the previous THREE tests finally appeared. It doesn't seem like we're having a CP after all!

Do you see why I freaked out between 11 and 12 DPO? 

So for now I'm holding my breath but at least with that 2nd dark line I feel like I might have another take home baby. 

Just for good measure, I got blood drawn around 11 today to see what my HCG levels are. 

EDD is January 25th :)